Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Nothing to do, you say?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me