School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
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When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Sheep
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car