WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
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Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
o shit
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.