Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.