The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
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As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
All excellent questions
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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