never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon