Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine