Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
More like Kate Missington.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Damn he played himself
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.