You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”