do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.