If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.