I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
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I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder