Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
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I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .