1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
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[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
my dog when i have a friend over
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’