When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!