Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”