Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
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Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.