How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess