The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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yea so i messed up lol
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“Huge”.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”