The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Well well well…
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes