I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks