Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.