My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.