My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
You Might Also Like
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
That took me a moment.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
hmm conte-me mais
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.