Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.