She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
You Might Also Like
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
plant them where lol
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*