I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
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First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
This came to me in a dream.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Sharon, call the vet
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
favorite tropes as memes
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!