Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
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Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
good morning
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
my mom making me talk to relatives
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.