I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.