Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
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There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
😂🤣😂🤣
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.