Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
You Might Also Like
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.