I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.