your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Real House Wines.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Whoa 😂
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.