People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
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Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
how much for the angry fruit?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.