Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl