My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Not my job 😂
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.