2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
“Why you watching this shit?”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
a public service announcement
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
A family that plays together cheats.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business