TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.