Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
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Cardio? Is that in Spain?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Growing out my freckles.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
the council will decide your fate
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok