My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.