ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor