Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
You Might Also Like
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Smooooooth
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st