Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
this makes me so uncomfortable
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.