Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
“you changed” bro i was 15
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Tell me you get it…🤣
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday