cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way