I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
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I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier