Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
everyone has that one prude friend
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!