“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Weirdos gonna weird.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!