REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
car not found
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.