It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.